GRAPPLING

This post might be all over the place and make no sense but lately I have had all kinds of things swimming around in my head and I thought writing them out might help plus I always like looking back at these types of things going on in my life.

So I am grappling.  Do yall use that word. Definition: the action of gripping, seizing, as in wrestling.  Yea that wrestling part.  That's what I am talking about. Here are some things I am wrestling with right now.

- My age.  I turn 30 in a few months.  And it is not so much that I am turning 30 but just that I am getting older in general.  I seriously cannot believe that I am about to be 30.  I literally feel like I was just starting college.  And let me tell you. Moving to a college town does a WHOLE lot of things to your psyche. I feel so much older (and fatter) than these kids.  It is weird to return to the town where you went to school, met and fell in love with your husband and used to have a lot of really good times and now I am driving around with my toddler getting really excited over school bus sightings. It just feels weird and I just feel old.

-Spin off of the whole age thing.  What am I doing with my life?  Overall I am really happy with my life.  But I remember back in the day watching all these Oprah shows when I was a teenager about what was your "calling" and your "purpose" and I got so tired of those women talking about that all at the time.  Now I get it.  I find myself asking myself these questions all the time.  Why am I here? Am I a good mom?  Am I a good wife? A good daughter, sister, friend?  What do I need to do to answer these questions?

- Mommy Guilt- let me just say that I think that mommy guilt is something that will never go away.  I seriously do not think there is one mom who doesn't have a single bit of mommy guilt.  But why does mine feel constant?  Do I play with her enough? Does she know how much I love her?  Is it wrong that I am putting her in the gym's childcare room while I go work out? (so dumb but this has been a constant worry lately)  Why is she throwing occasional temper tantrums at school? Why hasn't she learned her colors yet?  What am I doing wrong?  Grapple grapple grapple!!!

- Friends - I miss my friends in Memphis so much.  I miss Elle's friends in Memphis so much.  Moving to a new place is hard and I am having to adjust to not as many girls nights.  I am so lucky to have a husband and friends that I can talk to when I am lonely but I am ready to look back on this part of my life and be happy that I have made some good girlfriends.  Making friends is so hard. I feel like I am really friendly and social and I literally want to ask people who I meet and like "will you be my friend?" except then they would think I was psycho and runaway. So I just have to be patient and keep being friendly and hope that friendships eventually form naturally.

Alright, I could probably keep rambling and blurting out all the things in my head but those are just a few things going on in my head right now.  Thanks for bearing with me.  Have a great weekend!  Kenny and I are getting away for a fun little date night trip so tune in next week for those deets!