I am not really sure how to put this post into words. I feel normal. Hooray! Not sure when the normalness came back. But for a while after I had Elting I felt strange and so unlike myself. I really can't say if it was just a raging case of hormones, baby blues or maybe a smidge of postpartum depression. But looking back it was something.
The best way I can describe it and I have already said this, I just did not feel like myself. I felt sad. I felt overwhelmed. I felt depressed. I felt exhausted. I felt different. I felt disconnected. I felt lonely. I felt anxious. I felt insanely happy. I felt tremendous love. I felt like a mommy. It was odd to feel so sad and so happy at the same time. I am sure that is what hormones do to you.
It really was some of the happiest days of my life but I was also off my rocker. I never ever felt any ill will towards Elting but I did have crazy crazy worries. Like the time I was convinced at two weeks old that she was autistic. I am laughing out loud right now just typing that. Yes. I thought my two week old was autistic. And I bawl cried for two days and had my best friend who is a RN reading medical journals to reassure me that she was and is indeed just fine.
I also felt so different from my friends. I felt like we had nothing in common. I couldn't really talk to them because I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling and the experiences that were happening to me. I was afraid that I would never care about the same silly things like tv shows, books and cooking again.
But here I am. I do care about silly reality television shows, and I just checked out another Young Adult series from the library and I do feel connected to my friends again. I enjoy cooking again and I feel like my marriage is strong. I feel normal.
Looking back I know I did not feel normal because my whole world had turned upset down. I went from being a wife to being a mommy and a wife. I quit my job. I wasn't sleeping. It was a crazy time so it is only natural I was a feeling a little crazy.
I have some girlfriends who are close to having babies of their own. And I can only hope that I can be there when they feel weird and unlike themselves. Because feeling that way after you have met the love of your life has to be NORMAL right?